| So, you fall for this guy right?
He ends up killing you through your heart...
All you want is to be with him, but thats not possible anymore...
But then out of no where there is a second chance....but the catch is...its only for that one night...
What do you do? Yea it really does happen. Right now I am at a point in life that I need and want stability. There is just so much going on that no one knows about. Actually come to think about it, Nathan and Devin know everything right now...and even still no one knows what lies even deeper. Colorguard. 'Nuff said. But even though this will be an amazing year I'm not so sure if I can cut it. I mean Debbie and Kimmy are amazing instructors, our show will be amazing, but the position of 'Leadership' is what worries me. The title doesn't make a leader, just like a true leader doesn't need a title. But can I honestly cut it? The season has barely begun and already girls are not showing the respect that they show instructors to Kacey and I.
I love colorguard, It is my life, my passion, my stress, my release, my place, it is ME. I refuse to quit. But I don't want to turn something that is so pure to me into a battle field. I know that I am not always the easiest person to get along with, but if people honestly took the time to try and understand what goes on, it wouldn't be so bad. I remember about a year ago, when four of us tried out for a three spot postion. I was the one that did not make it. I worked hard this year. I stepped up, but because people have already had an idea of who they think me to be, I am getting punished for it. Yes someone was in leadership last year, and was not put back in this year. It shocked me honestly. I expected her to be as least in leadership if not Captian because she had been in it the year before. I have already talked to my Captian and the other Lt. as well as Debbie and Kimmy, if it gets to the point that no one cares enough to trya dn give me a second chance to prove I have changed, then I will step down from what I have been placed as.
But how can I handle this? I'm a senior now. I have many many responsibilities. I have a job, school, adn colorguard. I am not complaining about having a lot of things to do, but it gets harder everyday to pull myself out of bed...I had this weird dream the other day, and everything was ok. Many people say that dreams are almost always about whats goin on in our subconcience. But if thats true then I really am confused... My world has been turned upside down and I'm lost...I can't find myself, I have put the good face forward so many tiems before that now, I don't know who I am. I can't talk to someone as me, I have to be the strong one, the one that will make it. I'm the oldest of 7, yea 7 kids and I have to be strong for them all. If I can't get through all of this, they won't have someone to look up to.
I had an interesting converstaion with one of my friends today. And it was weird because we were talking about biblical type stuff...and it scared me...it made me think about what I'm doing in my life. I seriously almost picked up my bible for the first time since I moved into HEB. And I am scared. Am I doing what is right? I have spent the better part of 5 or 6 years working for this, and now that its here, it doesn't feel right.
For those that did not know, I had an even bigger scare, I had tests done about a month ago and I thought I had cancer, or a really huge tumor on my brain. And let me tell you that is a very scarey thought. But thankfully I got the most recent results saying I don't have cancer. It was just a slight build up of pressure from stress. But I mean there is no scarier thought then I might only have a few months to live.
Kasey. I love him, [*note I am talking about two different people*]. But he has killed me emotionally. I can't take it anymore. I need stability. I need support and I can't find it anywhere...Sometimes...when I was a little bit younger, I would dream about growing up and being pretty and sucessful, and having that one guy I just could be with...That little girl has grown up. I am afraid to be alone, but I can take care of myself.
Screw my insecurites, they don't matter anymore. No one cares anymore. We have grown up, and apart.
I give up on stability, and love, and support, and for now...me. Isn't it ironic? My greatest leadership quality is my confedence, but right now I have none. |
